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Disconnection to Connection

June 16, 2017

My whole life has been a search for growth. I can remember being six years old lying in bed frustrated with the questions, "why are we here??" "what is our purpose??" It would drive me crazy! I always had this feeling that I was part of something bigger, something greater. 

Highschool was a very challenging time for me, lots of disconnect from myself - parents divorcing, abusive relationships, expelled from school, over prescribed to prescription medication, drugs and partying. I was working on all of the ways I could shut off from myself, numb whatever the pain was inside, and trying to fill out with something from the outside. It was the epitome of living from the outside in, not the inside out. I spent years doing this, even into college. But deep inside I knew it wasn't my truth, I knew something needed to change. 

In 2004 I transferred to Prescott College in AZ. Your orientation is spent 3 weeks backpacking through the wilderness. I left all my medications and outside temptresses behind me as I walked into the desert that first day. As the days went by I started to become closer and closer to who I truly am. For the first time clean and sober, and un-medicated I felt the world. I felt the joy, and the depth, and the truth and the CONNECTION. My life was transformed in those 3 weeks. After the 3 weeks coming back to reality was difficult to the say the least, and for years I struggled between my spirituality and my connection and my partying/having fun and my disconnection. 

In 2007 I found Iyengar Yoga. I see this day as a pivotal turning point in my life. As soon as I started practicing I started connecting deeper and deeper with ME. My health changed, I lost 20 pounds and was eating healthy and choosing healthy things for myself. I started to take control of my life, traveling, and loving and living and having fun AND starting to connect to myself through yoga, and my healthy eating. 

I spent years cleansing my path through health - raw food, veganism, no alcohol. I spent a lot of time alone working on myself and in my garden. Journaling, going to therapy, and deepening in a partnership. I worked with different native American groups going to sweat lodges and sitting in women's circles. I was working on myself so deeply and with such perfectionism it was a blessing and a curse....

I was still looking for the answer OUTSIDE of myself. 

2 years ago I left a 7 year relationship. Doing that caused me to let go of SO many layers of myself and who I thought I was. With that death I let go of my perfectionism and started to let myself feel the pain of my existence, the pain of being human and what that means. The first year was an in-depth year of healing and growing and going so DEEP into my shadow. I was (and am) part of a committed healing circle that has brought me closer and more in touch with my shadow and darkness. 

2017.... I stumbled upon Bob Proctor. I attended a seminar of his and felt as if he has taken my shoulders, shaken me all up, and said, "come on Tessa, you got this, you know what to do!" I will explain more of this journey in my next blog, but I will say here that my work with Bob Proctor has taught me to truly live from the inside out , not from the outside in. For the first time I feel like I have true control on my life, my destiny, and what I truly want in the life. I have so much gratitude every single day. And I will share more of this next time! Thank you for reading. 

 

 

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